In Quiet Desperation: Understanding The Challenge Of Same-gender Attraction

By Fred Matis, Marilyn Matis, Ty Mansfield

Buy new $9.70

Add to Amazon Wishlist!

 In Quiet Desperation

In a very real sense, this book is really two books in one. The first is apassionate and heartfelt memoir of a mother who has suffered through, andsurvived, the worst tragedy imaginable. The second is a sometimes ramblingbut always readable reflection of a Mormon man caught up in circumstancesbeyond his control.

When the news first broke of the suicide of Stuart Matis, the press mademuch of his Mormon upbringing, his choice of a Mormon public building asthe place where he would take his own life, and the attitudes and teachingsof his church that may have been contributory factors. It is hard toimagine the pain he must have lived with, the knowledge that his owninclinations were so contrary to the teachings of the church he loved somuch. It is harder to imagine how his family survived the death of thisyoung man with their faith intact.

Through this trial, the Matis's came to understand some of the paradoxes ofliving the gospel in the midst of prejudice and misunderstanding. One isreminded of the burden borne by people of color throughout much of theChurch's history. Being treated as second-class citizens, shunned byfellow believers because of the color of their skin, denied not just thepriesthood but the necessary socialization that comes with religiousaffiliation -- progress in this area is to be applauded, although anecdotalevidence seems to indicate that there is still much to be done.

Gay and lesbian Latter-day Saints find themselves in a similar position.Marilyn Matis is unequivocal in her belief that sexual orientation is notchosen, but rather is a part of a person's makeup. "Same-genderattraction," the preferred term used throughout this book, is therefore notviewed as a condition that can be cured, but rather as an orientation thatcan, and must be, understood by Church leadership and by the membership atlarge.

Central to Stuart's despair is his feeling that he somehow isn't measuringup to the standards affirmed by his Church:

Stuart's entire life was spent striving for perfection. He reasoned that if he were perfect, then he would find God's approval. His efforts became a never-ending cycle: effort -- perceived failure -- effort -- perceived failure. The harder Stuart strove for perfection, the more he hated himself. He hated his feelings of same-gender attraction, and he hated being unable to change his orientation because he believed that he not only could change by that he should change.

When no change in his feelings occurred, no matter how hard he worked at it, he came to the conclusion that he was not worthy and that God did not accept his efforts. His self-loathing became so intense that it began to affect his entire life. He lost confidence not only in himself but in God. (p. 9)

The impact of Matis' message was not lost on me -- the seeming contrastbetween an orientation that is innate, and attitudes which are learned.Can it be that the constant quest for "perfection," no matter how it isdefined, left Stuart in a constant state of hopelessness? It's easy to seewhen you consider how his innermost feelings so contrasted with theteachings of his Church and the attitudes of others in the Church.

Much of the problem centered on the insensitivity of members of the Church,the same kind of insensitivity that made racist comments and attitudesacceptable in former days. Matis sees some progress being made, butearnestly desires her Church and its members to more fully appreciate andunderstand their gay and lesbian members:

A cross has been laid upon those who have feelings of same-gender attraction. We need to help them by loving them, having compassion, and trying to understand them. We need to help them to carry their cross and to know that they can make a joyful contribution to the kingdom of God. (p. 27)

In the end, Matis lays some responsibility at the doorstep of her fellowSaints:

When will the suicides stop? When will we, as members of Christ's Church, begin to realize the pain that so many young men and women experience because of the challenge of same-gender attraction? When will we begin to love and succor them in their time of need? (p. 45)

Tough talk, indeed. Matis is not calling for a recognition ofhomosexuality as an "alternative lifestyle." She sees that this isinconsistent with the underlying message of the eternal family. But shedoes break some important ground in her essay, emphasizing again and againher conviction that homosexuality is not a chosen behavior, and thus shouldnot be punished as a chosen behavior.

Many readers will no doubt feel she didn't go far enough. They wouldprefer she had insisted on ecclesiastical approval of the gay and lesbianlifestyle. I believe she hit just the right notes considering the currentstatus of the Church and the eternal nature of the Gospel principles itteaches.

The second, and larger, part of the book is an extended memoir of a gayLatter-day Saint who has clearly done a lot of thinking about hissituation, a protracted struggle between his innate feelings and hisunderstanding of his Church's views on sex and sexuality.

His dilemma is well illustrated in a brief recollection of his period as ateacher at the Missionary Training Center:

But at one point during that period of employment, I was confronted for the first time with the reality that I had been wrong in assuming that living the gospel was a guaranteed formula for ridding me of my feelings of same-gender attraction. No matter what level of personal righteousness I attained or how close I felt to God, the feelings weren't going away. To the contrary, they were increasing. It was a paradox! Was it truly possible to have an increased love for God and a deeper understanding of His gospel and simultaneously to have a greater desire for something that I had always been taught was an abomination? I wasn't sure if I should feel a greater sense of self-worth or greater self-condemnation. It was as if I were experiencing joy in Christ and tasting hell at the same time, and it didn't make any sense. (p. 63-4)

The reader may immediately wonder, "How is it that a gay man was allowed toteach at the MTC?" In fact, both Mansfield, the author of this section ofthe book, and Matis, served honorable missions. They served in their localwards and occupied leadership positions. This may alarm some, but thefacts are clear: gays and lesbians do not wear a badge announcing theirsexual orientation. They function at work, in church, everywhere, withclear ability and dedication. But they fear exposure. They feel, withsome justification, that if their orientation were known, they wouldcertainly be shunned by many of their friends and neighbors.

Mansfield's chapter, "According to the Lord's Own Will and Pleasure," is ashattering and moving look at his own painful passage through acceptance ofhis sexual orientation and acknowledgement of its permanence in this mortallife. He fully expects to live a full life in the kingdom, when his own"thorn in the flesh" is removed. In the meantime, his commitment to thegospel requires him to live a celibate life. He is very frank about howdifficult this is for him.

Later, he says:

Each of us, whether we experience same-gender attraction or some other challenge, is a divine work in progress, and the Lord is working with us individually. In the meantime, we are going to inflict our weaknesses and our misunderstandings and our ignorance upon one another, and we must learn patience and forgiveness. We are each growing spiritually on different levels, and God is passionately interested in the salvation and growth of each of His children. (p. 195)

Mansfield's hope for the future is reflected in his thoughts on topics youdon't read about very much these days: he speaks of a "married God" (p. 90)and of us as "Gods in embryo" (p. 106) Here is a fellow who takes hisMormon theology very seriously. Likewise, he demonstrates a strongreliance on the Scriptures and the teachings of the General Authorities,both of which he cites voluminously. In these words he finds comfort.

In Quiet Desperation walks a fine line between loyalty to the Church andits leaders and despair over how little sensitivity there seems to be amongthe members of that same Church. It walks the line well.

I recommend this book on many levels. And I return again to the race issueas it has been, and is, confronted by the Church. People tend to dismissthe impact of their words, words often used casually and lightly. Wordscan hurt, and do hurt when used against people of color. They still hurt,when used against people who are attracted to others of the same gender.So long as we think that this is just some "phase" that can be grown outof, or some perverse choice made by a rebellious youth, we will never trulyunderstand the cross these folks must bear.

I commend the authors for penning a painful record of their journeys. Ifurther commend Deseret Book for bringing this to print. I hope it attainswide readership. And I truly hope it provides a catalyst for all membersof the Church to become more aware of this sensitive issue, and moreaccepting of those struggling with this orientation.

-----------------------------------