Since it's been discussed recently, last night I watched the screener tape I received several weeks ago of Feature Films for Families' "Who Gets the House?"

The kindest thing I can say about this movie is that I think kids would probably enjoy it. I can't imagine any adult who has ever seen a movie before even sitting through the whole thing comfortably, let alone liking it. It's exactly what the folks on this list have been accusing FFF of: bad acting, unrealistic plot developments, no characterization, and unbelievable, easy resolutions.

The story is about a Minnesota couple, Don and Rebecca Reece, and their four kids, and the guy named Eliott ("Star Trek's" George Takei) who is remodeling their house and simultaneously babysitting, taking the kids to the mall, and just generally being a sitcom character. As the film opens, Mom and Dad haven't been speaking to each other. Divorce seems imminent, according to the kids' know-it-all friend. As a precautionary measure, this friend -- whose dad is a lawyer -- draws up a legal motion saying that if the Reeces get divorced, rather than bouncing the kids back and forth between them in joint custody, the KIDS will get ownership of the house, and the PARENTS will have to take turns living there with them. Not only does this girl (who is not more than 13 years old) successfully write up this document, but she succeeds in getting a judge to pass it!

This actually sounds like a nice way of making divorce less difficult on the children, but it's so utterly unrealistic -- I mean, on what grounds do the kids have a right to own the house? -- that one immediately loses all hope of the film making any sense after that.

Unfortunately, one is right. The parents do get separated, and they follow the instructions of the child-written court order. Then the house thing actually becomes a bit of a minor point -- just one of several things the movie starts doing then forgets about -- as the kids move into operation "Parent Trap," trying to get their folks back together. The son orders a device from a technology catalog that allows you to make your voice sound like any other person's (provided you first get that person to record a sample). He eventually uses this bit of impossible technology to get his parents talking to each other on the phone, disguising both of their voices so they each think they're talking to someone else.

(This device is also his science-fair project and earns him national news coverage, by the way. Never mind that he didn't INVENT the thing -- which would indeed be newsworthy -- all he did was use it for what was presumably its intended purpose.)

The kids go through a number of sweet-natured but stupid deceptions like that, trying to get their parents to talk. See, they think that if Don and Rebecca will just talk to each other, they'll fall in love again. Rebecca always used to make Don laugh with her antics. Now, he just thinks she's embarrassing. (He's right, by the way.) Surely just speaking to one another will rekindle that love between them.

And that's where the movie, for as lame as it's been the whole time, completely loses itself. The idea that a marriage can be saved merely by the couple talking to each other more is insulting to people who have been through divorce. It's one thing to say that this particular marriage just needs a boost like that, and I'm sure there are marriages that do fall apart simply because the participants stop communicating. But the notion in "Who Gets the House?" is that ANY marriage can be saved that way. Without any knowledge whatsoever of the inner workings of their parents' relationship, the kids just ASSUME that talking will do the trick. One of Rebecca's divorced friends even says that she and her husband might not have split up if one of their kids had been sweet enough to fake them into talking to each other with a voice-simulator.

Off the top of my head, I could list 10 major flaws in logic and reasoning just in the film's plot. That's ignoring the characters' often unmotivated actions, and the other problems with the movie.

Like I said, kids will probably think it's sort of fun. But those irritating plot gaps and such make it virtually intolerable for grownups.

FFF has the right idea in making movies that are clean and family-friendly. They just need to find better scripts, actors and directors -- and quit trying to get people to buy their videos simply because the movies are wholesome. "Who Gets the House?" is as wholesome as they come, but that doesn't stop it from being a piece of junk.

Eric D. Snider
www.ericdsnider.com

"Filling all your Eric D. Snider needs since 1974."