This may well be the most difficult review I've ever written. And it must be said at the outset that my reporting of the contents of this book in no way implies an endorsement of these ideas.

The blurb on the front cover proclaims this book to be "The daring Testimony of Faith of a gay Mormon High Priest." I purchased the book about a year ago at a library book sale, not knowing when I'd ever get a chance to read it. My assumption was that it was just another anti-Mormon tract written by a dissatisfied ex-member. As such, it held minimal interest.

But I decided to read it and get it out of the way. I have strong mixed feelings about this book and its author, and hope to express these feelings in a fair and compassionate way.

Antonio (Tony) Feliz is a High Priest in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. A graduate of BYU, he works for the Church in various capacities including service in the Church Welfare System. He has a lovely wife, three children, a nice home, and a good position in his ward teaching young people. Oh, he's also gay. He knows it. No one else does. And thus begins his struggle.

I'm not sure what the mechanism is, but it seems that others saw his sexual orientation early on, including one priesthood leader who confronted him directly. Of course, Tony denied the charge, but knew inside himself that he had to finally discover his true identity. After years of struggle, he extends a business trip to San Francisco and hooks up with a gay man with whom he has a sexual relationship. In this encounter, he claims to discover who he really is.

Now he must face the fact that his entire life is about to change. His marriage is finished, and of course he must resign his Church callings and his employment with the Church. But he's willing (although not happily) to do all this in order to be true to himself.

In the process of doing some research in the Church archives, he runs across some information concerning Joseph Smith, Wilford Woodruff, and others, that bothers him. He begins to read the early documents to support the idea that same sex unions can be blessed as well as heterosexual unions. He also reads in the early documents the idea that women were ordained to priesthood during Joseph Smith's years. Both practices were discontinued after Joseph's death.

He finally leaves his family behind in Utah and moves to California to start his new life. The remainder of the book contains his rather mystical road to self-discovery and peace of mind. His journey leads him to Kansas City, where he is confirmed in both the Roman Catholic and RLDS Churches, within weeks of each other!

Central to Feliz's premise is that priesthood authority can be exercised outside the auspices of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He believes that the endowments he received while in the Church are still with him, and he needs no permission to continue exercising this authority. As he distances himself more and more from the modern-day Church, he finds himself more and more attracted to the raw religion of the early Joseph Smith days.

Readers will find much to dispute in this moving and sometimes-complex narrative. Feliz intertwines his story with lengthy, and sometimes repetitive, journeys into his own psyche. His appeal to New Age-type therapies and indoctrinations left me wondering just where he'd end up. He finishes his journey in a metaphysical wonderland of inner journeying and radical introspection.

Issues of gender and sexual orientation continue to challenge Christian churches. What are they to do with the "others" in their midst? How does an institution that declares behaviors sinful accommodate those who find those same behaviors natural? The problem is not unique to Mormonism, and the presence of "others" is very likely understated.

One of my biggest problems with evaluating this book is my complete distance from Feliz. I'm Anglo, he's Hispanic. I'm straight, he's gay. I'm a non-Mormon, he's Mormon (despite his excommunication, he considers himself "Mormon" in every sense of the word). I had to try to put myself in his place, and I was not successful.

As I read the book, I reflected more and more on the title, Out of the Bishop's Closet. As he proceeded in his journey, the phrase changed slightly, but perhaps significantly, it became "Out of my Bishop's Closet." Was this some acknowledgment that he had placed himself in this position, that his homosexuality was a choice on his part, rather than an inbred orientation? I don't think so, but it at least reflect his growing understanding of the importance of coming to terms with his dilemma and facing it responsibly.

One cannot avoid recognizing a deep anger in Feliz, an anger that is yet to be fully healed. He seems to be well on his way, as he expresses forgiveness toward those who have wronged him, and begs forgiveness from those he has wronged. But alongside this anger is a peace within himself that he's finally living out the life that he feels reflects who he really is.