The subject of marriage and the family has long been one of great interest, not just in Mormonism, but in religious circles throughout Christendom. But no one to my knowledge sees the marriage bond as such a central part of the "eternal plan" as does the Mormon church. The idea of being sealed for eternity puts the whole subject in a new and important place in the theological scheme.

Hafen's thesis is stated in his preface:

...today's society no longer understands marriage the way God originally gave it to His children. Being married isn't easy. It isn't supposed to be easy. But when a confused culture confuses us about what marriage means, we may give up on ourselves and each other much too soon. (p. xi)

However one understands, and supports, current trends to redefine the marriage bond, I think everyone acknowledges that, at least in the United States, there is a common understanding of the relationship, up against which we may place alternatives offered by various groups. Whether it be the polygamy of early Mormonism, or the struggle for the recognition of gay marriage today, the idea of marriage as between one man and one woman is the de facto standard.

The author begins his exploration with a look at how an ideal marriage should function, with a glimpse at the marriage of Adam and Eve in Eden, which he terms the "Universal Love story," a story with a sacred "plot."

In Chapter Four, titled "How We Lost the Plot," Hafen lists some of society's movements that he believes caused it to go astray. Among them:

individual rights and the "liberation movement"

no-fault divorce

same-gender marriage

He offers anecdotal evidence as to how each of these phenomena have driven Americans further from the marriage ideal, the idea of a traditional family consisting of parents who have made covenants with each other, with their children, and with their God. This short list will surely raise the hackles of some. Questions such as "how will same-sex marriage affect my heterosexual marriage?" and "why is it such a threat?" are asked frequently in the public square. I'm not sure Hafen's answers will satisfy many, but others will find his approach satisfactory. Clearly the debate will continue.

Hafen offers an interesting contrast between "a hireling's contract" and a "shepherd's covenant," seeing marriage as clearly belonging to the latter category:

The way new couples approach their rough spots, small or large, really does depend on whether they expect that they've made a contract or a covenant. As God first established it, marriage was by its nature a covenant, not a commercial-style contract one may cancel and pay the damages when the going gets tough. (p. 78

Hafen suggests that viewing marriage as a covenant can strengthen the bond and help avoid the pitfalls that end so many marriages.

As he continues to explore the idea of "covenant marriage" -- one with no bounds and no exit clauses -- the author studies the centrality of the Atonement in the marriage relationship:

The Atonement of Christ is a central element in the doctrinal flow that joins the story of Adam and Eve about opposition, marriage, children, misery, and joy with our learning for ourselves about tasting the bitter that we may know how to prize the sweet. (p. 94)

The Atonement somehow gives a kind of life-energy to our covenants, with power to turn the burdens into privileges "through the joy of his Son" (Alma 33:23). Of course we experience adversity in mortality. Yet the Savior's healing and compensating power will sanctify the effects of that experience for our gain and growth. (p. 94)

The author studies some of the personal characteristics of marriage partners that can adversely affect the relationship, what he calls the "wolves" that "come at us today from every direction. And many of the meanest ones snarl and pound on the doors of young married people." (p. 87) The "wolf" that interested me most was "the wolf of personal imperfection," covered in detail in Chapter Eleven:

The best of us have weaknesses, and the worst of us have strengths. And in the daily closeness of marriage, we see each other at our best and at our worst. How we deal with these inevitable disclosures affects the spirit within our homes, our ability to understand and help each other, and our own sense of who we are and what we can become. (p. 111)

When one compares the marriage relationship to that of a shepherd and his sheep, it is tempting to always place the man in the role of the shepherd. But Hafen is careful to show how, depending on the situation, the wife can take on the role of shepherd, with the husband being called in one case "the wounded sheep":

This realization came only gradually, not easily, but as it came, her responses to him became ever more like the old shepherd's. (p. 121)

As with other anecdotes, found in many places throughout the book, the story referred to in the above citation is a moving and nicely illustrative account of how marriage partners who are hurting can come to terms with their challenges and take on roles of leader and follower in order to bring about healing and restoration.

The central theme, the idea of a "covenant marriage," is nicely summed up in his conclusion:

I testify that we can experience the fulfillment of our desire for eternal love, if we really want it, so long as we don't want anything else more. The longing of the heart for this fulness is a central vision of the gospel. It is also the source of great spiritual power, especially on those cloudy days or years when our dreams seem impossible. (p. 263)

Hafen might have taken a pollyannish approach, ducking the difficult issues involved in the marriage relationship. Instead, he takes a head-on approach, idealistic in his goals but realistic in his assessment of the current state of marriage in our country.

As with his previous works, this is a well-written treatise and merits wide reading by Latter-day Saints.

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Jeff Needle
November 30, 2005